Name: Pumpkin Ed
Appearance: see above
Personality: Because of being kicked in the head by a mule when he was four, the only words P.E. can hear are “You’re so great, Ed!” Also, he spends lots of time in front of mirrors, placid lakes, toilet bowls (without peeing), etc.
History: Ed was raised by an absentee father and was always given raw meat instead of love or encouragement. Athletically, Ed was always good at cheating and telling amazing stories about himself that were almost too good to be true and definitely were. He got his first job as a professional backstabber on the school playground in fourth grade, which he was very successful at. His father quickly pounced on his son’s potential and invested in the boy’s future with anything but love and encouragement. Because of this, Ed was able to lie and cheat and steal his way through every aspect of his life-like high school, college, and marriage. He went on to become a successful businessman in the sense that he told everyone he was an immensely successful businessman-no one checked his facts because he was loud and looked rich. He spawned several children that are like growths in his life but are thankfully not attached to his person.
Likes and Dislikes: Ed loves cheating and lying more than he loves breathing: just by listening to him breathe you can tell that this is no great accomplishment, though. He also enjoyes being very intelligent, a fact he convinces himself of on a daily basis, and reading, as long as he doesn’t have to do it himself, or listen to someone else’s description of a book, or have anything to do with books at all. He loves fast food and all of it’s healthy benefits, which have led him to proclaim, in the words of his doctor: “He is the healthiest person who has ever lived and doesn’t weigh a gram over 240 or strike me down where I stand plus also he is the greatest lover who ever lived and definitely not a homosexual.” He hates smart people and people who pretend that his lies are untrue. He loves boobs and grabbing boobs, but hates listening to the things that have them. He is considerate, generous, kind, loving, and gentle to everyone in this whole universe as long as they are named Pumkin Ed are standing in his mirror.
Pumkin Ed says just what is on his mind, which lesser humans consider to be a virtue, but this has led him into trouble with “smart guys” which is why he hates them. Like when he asked “Why can’t we just nuke the hurricanes?”, or “You can just grab ’em by their p_ssy”.
Pumpkin Ed is an adventurous spirit, as long as the adventures don’t mean he has to get up and do anything. His true passion lay in his desire to drive the world to its everlasting ruin, but with a dumb-ass smile on his face.