Or lack thereof. I’ve begun to not shave my beard, as many of my favorite athletes don’t, until I’ve completed my special race. My favorite athletes, whose names I can’t remember but whose beards I strangely can, won’t shave their beards until they don’t win an important playoff series. For those of you just tuning in, that special race for me is the Ultratrail Mt. Fuji, all 168km (about 100 miles) and over 7000 meters (almost 23,000 feet) of elevation gain of her. I even got a tattoo of that very special mountain, drawn by yours truly, on my back.
I haven’t shaved my beard in weeks? months? Here it is:
What’s disappointing is that it looks considerably less cool than those wild beasts said athletes are draping their faces with. Studies have shown that my beard’s cool quotient is a whopping 4.2% lower than the grubby face-varmints I’ve seen those millionaires wear. All that hard work not remembering to cut and mow my mutant stubble for a result like this is just unsatisfactory. If only I could ascertain the reason for this truly unfair discrepancy I could repair whatever atrocities I‘ve comitted to my mouth-marmot and maybe my wife would look at me again.
I’m sure there’s pros somewhere who, for a shamelessly exorbitant price, would primp and prune my disshevelled jaw-disaster into a comely, more attractive version of whatever is now adorning the southside of my face, but those pros cost a pretty penny, so how’re poor guys like me and those millionaire athletes supposed to afford that?
Wait, maybe instead of combing it and cementing it under eight pounds of beard wax, I should try a more battle-worn, frontiersy look:
Eurasia! I’ve got it! My wife’ll love it!
One other thing, though: all this not working with my wretched monster-pelt better pay off! I’m not spending all this time and effort not caring for my close-shaven face just to lose because other athletes do. Do they only play for the right to shave first? If I don’t win this race there’ll be hell to pay!
Maybe I’ll set fire to it if I lose.
A..and maybe I’ll ask my wife what she thinks about me not washing myself until after the race..